Zen - Canadian Style
A day without sunshine is like night.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A jury is twelve people who determine which side has the better lawyer.
All's well that ends.
Antiques aren't all they're cracked up to be.
A picture is worth a thousand words… the negative is worth cash.
Atheists are a non-prophet organization.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Beauty is only a light-switch away.
Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
Do twins ever realize that one of them was an unplanned pregnancy?
Do unto others and do it fast before they do unto you.
Eagles soar… but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Every time you clean something you just make something else dirty.
Fact of life: after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Fashion goes in one year and out the other.
First, there was nothing. Then it exploded.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Fools rush in… and get all the best seats.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Free cheese is only found in mousetraps.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots.
If 99% is good enough, then gravity will not work for 14 minutes every day.
If at first you don't succeed… skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed… destroy all evidence that you even tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If it's not broken… you don't have children.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
If you have an axe, every problem looks like hours of fun.
If you keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
If you rip a hole in a net there will actually be fewer holes then there were before.
If you want breakfast in bed you better sleep in the kitchen..
In order to truly understand 'Mankind', it is first necessary to look at the two words from which it was formed: 'Mank' and 'ind'… It's a total mystery.
It's always darkest before the dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper that's the time to do it.
It's good to eat. It's good to laugh. But try to both at the same time and you'll pay through the nose.
It's only funny until someone loses an arm or leg. Then it's hilarious.
Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Nothing is "fun for the whole family"
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Only borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect to get it back.
On the other hand… you have different fingers.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Sex Education begins at home… right after the parents leave.
Shopping Tip: you can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The amount of sleep needed by the average person is ten minutes more.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The early bird may get the worm but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
The journey of ten thousand miles begins with a vaccination.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The squeaky wheel often gets replaced.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
To err is human… to blame it on someone else is even more human.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving.
What goes around comes around… and hits you twice.
What if oxygen is killing us and it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
When a woman steals your husband, the best revenge is to let her keep him.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Tax Department.
Where there's a will there's a lawyer.
White mice cause cancer.
Whoever invented the lawnmower had no time to invent anything else.
You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.